Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconirrevocablefate: More from IrrevocableFate


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
August 30, 2009
File Size
3.5 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,246
Favourites
25 (who?)
Comments
130
Downloads
10
×
A dilapidated, small house--a single light is on inside, barely illuminating the silhouettes of hunched over figures. DANIEL, a some-what well-dressed man is at the door, obviously out of place with his ragged surroundings. He seems fidgety and agitated. Someone opens the door on the inside; Daniel walks in.

A woman, NICOLE, is smoking something indistinguishable while sitting next to an open window. Two people are sitting off in a corner, another is strewn about in the hallway. Two others can be heard giggling in an adjacent room, just out of sight. Daniel stands in the door way and looks down the hall to Nicole, she is close enough to speak too.

DANIEL
"Sometimes, I know you don't love me."
(He flashes her an insincere smile as he begins to walk towards her.)

NICOLE
“You aren't always faithful yourself.” (She pauses.) “Just ask your wife about Cheryl or Lauren.”

DANIEL
"They were a mistake."

NICOLE
"Coming here to see me isn't?"

DANIEL
"Why can't you just thank me for once?"

NICOLE
"I didn't ask you to come get me."

DANIEL
"Of course. You want something from me."

NICOLE
"I don't need anything from you, I don't want anything from you."

DANIEL
"You sounded pretty desperate on the phone."

NICOLE
(She glares at him, then looks away abruptly with a hint of shame.)
"I don't need anything from you."

(Daniel steps over the person in the hallway, effectively brining him into the room with Nicole. He takes a few steps and is standing in front of her chair. Nicole looks at him nonchalantly and continues to smoke.)

DANIEL
"What is it this time?"

NICOLE
“Since when have you ever cared?”

DANIEL
(He looks at her, the anger in his face has since drained away.)
“I’ve always cared, you just never wanted me to.”

NICOLE
“Shut up” (She gets up and tries to push Daniel, with one hand--it looks as if she's only placed a hand on his shoulder.)  “You don‘t know anything. I can take care of myself.” (She sits back down slightly flustered.)

DANIEL
“Then what are you doing here?”

NICOLE
"Living my life. How I want to..." (She pauses.) "And without you looking over my shoulder."

DANIEL
(He looks angry.)
"Look at you." (He takes the cigarette from her hand and promptly tosses it out the window.) "Look what you've done to yourself."

NICOLE
(She gets up and clutches at his shirt in a threatening manner but makes sure to avoid eye contact. Daniel looks over her arms and face and begins to look overwhelmingly sad.)

DANIEL
"Nicole." (He pauses for a moment.) "What have they done to you?"

NICOLE
"I wish we were ten again, Daniel."

DANIEL
"I know." (He  gently hugs her and they remain in this embrace.) "I know, baby sister. I know."
For From Scripts to Flicks. :eager: (One day before the deadline, look at me being a Procrastination Queen!)

This was a short-story that's been sitting in my wordpad, nearly finished and I did say I would try and enter this contest (I put that story in scraps--is that allowed?).
Short-story version.

I've never written a screenplay before. Is it too long? Is everything clear? Too hard to follow? Too much direction? I'd really like pointers if possible. :heart:
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconeatingmyownfears:
EatingMyOwnFears Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2009
Absolutely Fabulous!!
Reply
:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2009   Writer
:blush: Thanks os much sweetie! :glomp:
Reply
:iconeatingmyownfears:
EatingMyOwnFears Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2009
:hug: good luck on the contest!
Reply
:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2009   Writer
:huggle: Aw, thanks sweetie. <3 :blowkiss:
Reply
:iconeatingmyownfears:
EatingMyOwnFears Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2009
:blowkiss:
Reply
:iconmoon-and-ash:
Moon-and-Ash Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2009
I think it's a testament to your skilful use of dialogue; a sense of things being said aren't what you're actually hearing; that the scene, the concept, is illuminated.

I did find, though, that the opening didn't offer the visuals that would have supported the conversation occurring. You could have stronger, more poignant images (maybe specifics - what details make the house dilapidated, what is it about Daniel's clothing that marks him as an outsider?).

Way to experiment though, that's brave. And it's a great piece. I'm inspired. And curious. ;)
Reply
:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2009   Writer
:blush: Oh my. Thank you so much hun. It was certainly challenging and I wish I could have had more time to incorporate a few more piece of dialogue in there but that's what I get for procrastinating! :giggle:

Hmm, true I could have added more to the opening to give more of a solid visual oomph to the surroundings. Certainly next time I will take that into consideration!

Yes! :heart: Aw thanks dear. <3 Oh! Inspired! That's wonderful. :eager: :giggle:
Reply
:iconmoon-and-ash:
Moon-and-Ash Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2009
Awwww, I haven't the FIRST idea about screenplay/script-writing, so it was all just gut and fluff I spewed. ;)

It really is fabulous! You're SO welcome! I can't wait for the next one!
Reply
:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2009   Writer
:giggle: Well I didn't when I wrote this, I mean I looked a few things up to makes sure it was all right but other than that I just went with what I thought was right. Awww. :hug: I'm sure it wasn't too bad. (:

:blush: Aw, thank you hun! :cuddle: <3 :blowkiss:
Reply
:iconmoon-and-ash:
Moon-and-Ash Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2009
:hug:
Reply
Add a Comment: