literature

Allaying Alideya (5)

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My punishment for disfiguring their precious robot guards was three days in total isolation. I spent those three days wallowing in anger, letting it seep into my mind until I was consumed with nothing but rage. I could feel it pulsating within me, soaking into every heartbeat, dangling from every breath. I couldn't afford many outbursts as long as I was at a disadvantage; I still had no idea where I was or how to get out of this place.

I traced the small incisions on my thighs and arms.  When they had performed the operation that gave me my new arm, they had put tracking chips into me - multiples so that even if you managed to find one there were still others. Of course they denied it, they would never do such a thing, but you still knew. Besides I was using their hardware. I wondered if the people holding me captive had gotten them all. Judging by the amount of cuts and lack of the Regency swooping in I guessed they had. I sighed; I never thought that I'd be comforted by the thought of the Regency coming to save me.

"Alideya."

The woman's monotone voice reverberated along my empty room. I pulled my knees to my chest and tried to use my most polite voice possible.

"What do you want now?"

I never was good at the whole polite thing.

"Have you calmed down enough?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Do you think you can handle seeing Dr. Jin again?"

Bitterness cascaded around me; I forced myself to say yes.

"Very good. Now please remain where you are. If you get up, we'll just have to keep you by yourself again."

I battled the urge to roll my eyes, I wasn't that stupid. I wanted to extract my revenge on Dr. Jin, but my urge for self-preservation was stronger. I needed to remain as composed as possible, even if that meant biting my tongue and playing nice. My family stormed into my thoughts; I hoped that Cal wasn't in too much trouble for helping me. The door to my room slid open and I tensed as Doctor Jin took small steps towards me. I fought a smile, this time he was accompanied by four guards.

"Well, aren't you looking well today."

"Drop the act; just tell me what you want."

I cringed and tried my best to look apologetic.

"Sorry, I'm a little aggravated," I said.

"It's your own fault. I told you not to touch them! And of course that is exactly what you did. That robot cost more than you're worth, in my opinion."

Dr. Jin raised his voice as he spoke and I let him rant for a few minutes. Focusing on his nose I drowned him out by repeating what my father had said to me. If they come for you, you're dead. If they come for you, you're dead.

"Now, tell me, why do you think you're here?"

"If I knew I wouldn't be asking all the time."

"Haven't you ever heard of respect?"

"Yes, but I only give respect to those who've earned it."

"You insolent little girl!"

I bit my lip and pulled my knees tighter to my chest, this wasn't going how I had hoped.

"Your arm."

Blinking I lifted my arm up and stretched it out, the metal making a slight swish as I tilted it away from me. All this fuss over one little piece of cybernetic technology. What was so special about it that had them start a revolt?

"Well, not only your arm, but you as well. You're perfect for our test."

"A test?"

"Yes, you're average looking, you don't stand out so you're perfect. We would have preferred someone with a better attit-"

"You kidnapped me and you expect me to be what, happy about it?"

"I expect you to be grateful for it. We saved you. And you'll be doing a great service to your country."

"You sound exactly like them, you know. And I'm not helping you out with your little resistance 'movement'. Not now. Not ever."

Dr. Jin wagged his finger at me as he spoke, "Now listen here, if I had my way you wouldn't have to agree first. We'd use you for our test and then toss you back to where you belong."

He paused, strumming his fingers on his clipboard. Spittle dripped out of his mouth as he continued speaking.

"But, the higher ups say we need your consent because of your arm. All that technology under the shell and the only one who can take it off are you or the people who designed it. Clearly they aren't going to be helping us anytime soon. You've been imprinted with a special code that, well, unlocks the arm. We haven't been able to crack it. We need that code Alideya and you're going to give it to us."

"No."

"We're done for today then."

I gulped. He had to be planning something. I could feel it and whatever it was, it would be terrible. Malice seemed to ooze from his eyes as he stared at me before leaving; I shivered and strengthened my resolve. I was going to face him and this crazy resistance. I knew it was what mom, dad, and Cal would want. My family. Worry shrouded my face as fear side swept into my lungs, I felt myself struggling to breathe. What if they did something to them?

As Dr. Jin left me to my thoughts, I saw him turn around, a sinister smile eating away at the edge of his lips.
So I've managed to hit the 5k mark for Camp NaNo! I am so proud of myself. :eager: Now I'll be trying for 7.5k, so wish me luck! ♥

I forgot to mention that I'd happily give a critique for a critique. c:

Special thanks to GoneBatty385 who gave me a most helpful critique. ♥



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GoneBatty385's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

I have enjoyed reading about Alideya and the universe in which she lives since I found the first couple of chapters, and read each new installment as it becomes available. Alideya is strong, fierce, and loyal to her family. She is determined not to allow her life be scripted by anyone else, be they the Orwellian Regency or the mysterious rebels which seem to be working against the current government. In short, she is the perfect hero for this world, willing to struggle in this totalitarian dystopia to regain control of her own destiny. She isn't perfect, though; she has an angry, stubborn streak which digs her deeper and deeper into trouble. At the beginning of this chapter, she claims to have an "amount of common sense" equal to the anger which she let "seep into [her] mind until [she] was consumed with nothing but rage." She resolves to restrain her outbursts and be polite, but her obstinance is apparent from the very beginning of the dialogue, and never really lets up. As she admits, she "never was good at the whole polite thing."

This difference between Alideya's "keep her head down" intentions and her rebellious actions is the first example of what I believe to be this project's weakest area: inconsistencies. This example alone is not particularly damaging to the impact of this story; in fact, I think it works well with Alideya's character. She has a strong personality and has trouble reconciling herself with her oppressive circumstances, even though she knows the dangers of standing up for herself. However, other instances are harder to explain away. For example, in the first few chapters, the Fosters are described as men. It is even implied that Brelnin is a Foster. However, in chapter four they are described as faceless, metallic beings.

Another, lesser issue that I have seen in this story is an imperfect use of grammar and punctuation. If you want specifics I would be happy to oblige, but for the moment I will only say that they do not take away from the story at all; I am simply very picky about such things.

Now, back to the good stuff. I like the suspense and sense of dread created by your vague references to the horrors of Alideya's world; they give enough structure to allow the mind of the readers to fill in the blanks. The terrible, apparently robotic Fosters; the fear-driven, gear-driven Factory; the Regency that seems to be in charge of it all; and Dr. Jin and his team, who seem to be opposed to it. Nothing is clearly defined, and though you offer us better descriptions with each installment, they tend to promote further questions rather than provide clear answers. Why was Mayson killed? Why wasn't Alideya? Why does Kayle look like Mayson? Why do they need the technology in Alideya's arm? Why was Alideya's family taken, and her house burnt down? I'm looking forward to the answers.

Overall, this is a great story with a lot of potential. A bit of 1984 meets The Hunger Games, with a healthy dose of your own unique flair. I would recommend this story for anyone who enjoys a good dystopic state, and am interested to see how it will develop in the future. Keep up the good work!